Books like the truths about dating and mating
Pushing away and punishing the beloved acts to preserve one’s negative self-image and reduces anxiety.”Our fears surrounding intimacy may manifest as concerns over someone “liking us too much,” an understandably irrational reason not to date a person.
Or we may punish the other person by being critical, even engaging in nasty behavior, essentially making sure we don’t get the loving responses we say we want.
So, the question for the single person looking for love is: what are the internal challenges I need to face?
1) Defenses Most people have been hurt in interpersonal relationships.
Many women start to have thoughts like, “There are no decent men out there” or “All the good ones are taken.” Men may have thoughts like, “You can’t trust a women” or “Women are all out to take advantage of you.” We may have unrealistic expectations for a partner or pinpoint weaknesses from the moment we meet someone.
When viewing the world from critical or distrusting eyes, we tend to write off a range of potential partners before even giving them a chance.
We can, in fact, make a choice whether to see our fate through a victimized lens or choose to be goal-directed and take power over our lives.
Clearly, some people are single because they choose to be.
They are simply not interested in being in a serious relationship at this time in their life.
These adaptations can cause us to become increasingly self-protective and closed off.
In our adult relationships, we may resist being too vulnerable or write people off too easily.